Last December, Chambliss Center for Children was the grateful recipient of a donation of books for the youth in our Transitional Living Program. These books were special because they were written for teens in foster care by a former teen in foster care.
Robert P.K. Mooney is a successful lawyer turned author who shares his experience growing up in foster care in his book. A Foster Kid’s Road to Success. When we reached out and invited him to write a guest blog post for National Foster Care Awareness Month, he happily accepted the opportunity.
As a former foster youth who spent twelve years in the system and changed homes twenty times before aging out, I am frequently asked to speak to groups of teens in foster care throughout the country. Less frequently, I am invited to speak at trainings for current and potential foster parents, and to groups of case workers and supervisors.
Why would anyone ask me to speak to groups of foster youth and those that serve them? Likely because of the relative success I found in life after foster care. Although I suffered significant trauma growing up, after aging out, I graduated from college, received two law degrees, and led an exceptionally successful legal and business career. Probably more importantly, I found meaningful and lasting family relationships: I have been married for over twenty years and with my wife, we are in the process of raising five children aged nineteen years old down to eighteen months.
When speaking to foster youth, I begin virtually all of my talks something like this: “Okay, without raising your hands, answer the following questions in your mind: How many of you come from a home where there was substance abuse?” Inevitably, several hands go up, and I remind the kids that they don’t have to raise their hands. I continue.
“How many of you have had substance abuse issues yourself?” Again, hands go up, and again, I remind them that they don’t need to raise their hands. And then I continue.
“How many of you come from a family where there are mental health issues? How many of you struggle with mental health issues yourself? How many here have had run-ins with the law? How many here have failed a class in school? How about an entire term or semester?”
By this time, notwithstanding several reminders that they don’t have to identify whether any particular issue applies to them, virtually every hand in the room has gone up – repeatedly. And then I finish: “Okay, great. These are my people.” From there, the kids understand that I get it – I’ve been there.
Now, when I speak to adults who serve foster youth, whether they are foster parents, case workers or other administrators, invariably, I explain how I begin my conversations with groups of teens in foster care, described above.
But in addition to the questions that I ask the kids, I tell the adults that my questioning could go further. “How many of you have been scarred by physical abuse? How many of you have gotten into physical fights at school or in your foster families? How many of you know what it’s like to not know when your next meal will come, or where you will sleep? How many of you were sexually abused? How many of you are prematurely sexually active?” I don’t ask the youth these questions because of how triggering that could be. However, if I did, I know I would see dozens of hands raised with each question.
Then I ask the adults: “when you look at the children in your care, can you see kids who are broken? Do you see the kid who get in fights at school or at home? Do you see kids who fail in school? Who are in trouble with the law? Do you see rebellious teens with substance abuse or mental health issues; kids that are sexually active, or sexually reactive?” Usually, the group nods in near unison – they see all of these things and more.
But then I ask: “You see their pain and their trauma, but do you see their future? Do you see the future lawyer, the future author? Can you see the future husband and father? The future wife, the future mother? Do you see the artist, the musician? Can you see a productive and happy member of society?”
That line of questioning is generally met with stunned silence. These adults have generally experienced enough in foster care to know that traumatized kids, and especially older teens in care, usually do not end up reaching their potential. Instead, they inhabit our prisons, they are further victimized in human trafficking, or they make up a significant portion of our adult homeless population.
Youth in State care are, at this very moment, on their journey to adulthood. Their road has already been rocky. So many have been abused and abandoned, beaten and bruised, discarded and defeated. That may be all that they know. When they look ahead, their journey may seem to lead only to further pain, instability, and loneliness.
Following the recent tragic death of teenage girl in foster care – killed by a police officer while in the act of attacking another young woman – Columbus, Ohio’s mayor rightly stated that “This is a failure on part of our community. . . .all of us are responsible.” We are all responsible to help the foster youth in our communities, regardless of whether we serve directly in foster care. Our responsibility is to help our youth in care see the future that can be theirs. They can be successful in their chosen endeavors; they can choose to have meaningful and lasting human relationships. They can be financially and emotionally independent. But if we can’t see that potential in our foster youth, how can we ever hope to instill that vision in the children and teens that we serve?
During May, National Foster Care Month, we focus on increasing the visibility of the needs of children and youth in foster care. As we do, I hope we begin with the end of the journey in mind: what can each of these children become? When we can see that clearly, we need to help our foster youth internalize, to their very core, their true potential, and then give them the tools walk their own road to success.
Written by:
Robert P.K. Mooney